Happy Nevada Day

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Today is Nevada Day.  October 31, 2015.  A day that is celebrated no where else in the world….except for Nevada.  My home.  How did I get so lucky to grow up here?  It’s Papa’s fault, I guess.  Nellis was the last place he was stationed.  And he and Grame just stayed here.  And then my Dad never left.  he brought my mom here, he raised me and Jeremiah here…I couldnt afford California by myself…so now I’m here.

I am enjoying my day off.  I have vowed to stay in my pajamas all day long and watch meaningless television.  For hours.

Its been wonderful so far.  I do feel like I need to get something accomplished….or maybe not.

Happy Nevada Day!

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Homecoming

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I got picked!  I got picked!!!

So…the tradition at Arbor View is that the football players each get to chose their favorite teacher to escort them out on the field during the homecoming assembly in front of the whole school.  When it happened last year, I didn’t know but one football player and he didn’t pick me.  All year long I would give him shit about it.  He would say “can I go to the bathroom?” And I would reply, “well maybe if I was your favorite teacher….”

This year I have a bunch of football players.  Including one that I LOVE.  Damien Johnson.  He is such a great kid.  Going to be someone amazing some day…  He asked me 3 weeks ago to wear his jersey.  And of course, I jumped up and down and said “yay!!”

Then, the plot twist.  It turns out, the seniors are the ones who get first “draft picks” of the teachers.  So the negotiations started and Damien did his best to negotiate with the other players for me.  It was adorable.  He would come in every day saying “I talked so-and-so out of it…”  Then, the day came for choosing.  Choosing day, if you will.  And there was a SWOOP.  That kid…from last year…who was always my favorite (Noah Noce)….that I gave so much shit too.  HE CHOSE ME!!!  I feel bad for Damien cause he invested so much in me!  But Noah?!  He owes me 🙂

WAHOO!!  So, I am wearing Noah’s jersey and trying desperately to come up with a fun “walk” to make our time special.  I can’t express how great I feel!!

Mike says I’m being ridiculous.  He says “you’re acting like you are IN high school, not teaching it.”  And to him I say “WHO CARES?!”  This is an honor.  An honor that I was “fought over” for favorite teacher.  An honor that I had multiple students who want to parade ME down the field as their favorite teacher.  It’s moments like this that will keep me going for years.

And I write it down so that I can look back and read this when I feel like I want to punch kids!

Homecoming 2015.  Awesome

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Monday October 5, 2015

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I had a big fight with Mike yesterday.  And our fights always get really nasty.  Name calling, threats of divorce, me packing a bag, telling him this is MY house, etc.  Nasty.

I went to my mom’s house where I had a legit meltdown and cried and cried.  I don’t know why I am so emotional lately, but I am.  It’s infuriating.  Or maybe Mike is infuriating.  But something that Rachel and my mom said that really pissed me off….hit me hard.  They said “maybe this is your issue and not Mike’s.”  Ouch.  Maybe it is my issue?  That I haven’t forgiven him for his drug use when we were first dating.  And because I haven’t forgiven him for that I get really emotional over him drinking and doing coke.  Well, HELL YES this is my issue.  I have to figure out where to draw the line!  And I want to so desperately to be a black and white issue but it isn’t.  I would like to be able to say that I will leave him if he cheats on me or I will leave him if he uses heroin again.  But my mom said, “it isn’t as simple as that.” So, maybe thats why I was so upset.

I just don’t think he should go down that road with his history.  And I don’t ever want to be that girl again- the one who gets blindsided by the issues of her significant other.

Its frustrating.

Today I feel better.  My mom helped me work through it.  Thank you for my Mom, Lord.

September 23, 2015

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Mike hit another 7 spot today.  It’s nice to have a little extra money…and if I would have hit it, I wouldn’t think twice about being excited.  But part of me is reserved…I don’t want him to start gambling all the time like he did when we were first married or when we first met each other.  He has addiction issues.  I know that.  I married him because I chose to believe he was more than those things.  It just worries me.  Maybe I can be happy as long as I am in control of the money.  I can buy hockey tickets now and that is exciting.

Thank you for my job, Lord.  It makes me excited to wake up in the morning.  Even if the day is stressful (like today).  I think I need to yell a little more and have less fun.  It’s hard to find a balance.  Thank you for key club.  Thank you for good students to look forward to every period.

Thank you for my husband and thank you for the blessing of a random 7 spot.  We can get little things done around the house and that is nice.  Maybe I should put some in a hiding spot??

It beginning to look like fall around this town.  I love fall…Halloween and sweaters.  I love my birthday.  I love daylight savings!  I love hockey.  I have a very good life and realize how blessed I am.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am trying not to stress over babies.  I ask you again, Lord, please bless Mike and I with a child.  A healthy beautiful baby who can bring us closer as a family.  Help my mom to be content.  Help my brother find shelter and happiness.  Thank you for my family.  Thank you for my friends.

As the seasons change, i am once again thankful.  I like to remember that as I bitch about Mike or about my job.  I try not to get overwhelmed by it all….help me stay focused.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to give you hope and a future….you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11

This is our new fruit tree!  I got it for Mike for our 5 year anniversary “wood”.  Lord, help it grow 🙂

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Thank you for my two amazing dogs.

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Hockey season is upon us!  #LetsgoPens

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I am thankful for 7 spots that allow me to buy hockey tickets.  What a blessing.

This is one of my Grame’s baby tortoises….should Mike and I make the commitment and get one??

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I am a teacher

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Brittany wrote this blog today that went like this…

Waking up this morning, I smiled.

Twenty four brand new hours are before me.

The beauty of the trees, the softness of the air and the trail of the sun, speaks to me.

And the life that never goes away, they speak to me…and my heart soars.

Food is not matter but the heart of matter, the flesh and blood of rock and water, earth and sun.

I am a gardener…..I dig ditches, toil the sweat, and turn the earth upside down.  I seek the deepness 

and water the plants in time……I continue this labor.”

~Britt

It’s beautiful, no?  It made me smile as I read it at 5:30 this morning.  I am so grateful to hear from my friend every couple of days.  She includes pictures and words of wisdom.  And somehow, it makes me feel at peace.  It makes me feel like I could get up and go dig in the garden for hours on end.  She has always been such a free spirit.

Then, I go to work and my 1st period is copying each other’s homework and packing up their work 10 minutes before the bell…and my peace is gone.  The day gets better as it goes on, but it started crappy!  Then, my 4th period wants to complain about their math teacher.  How he doesn’t teach…he gives them the tools to teach themselves.  And they say “he isn’t like you, Mrs. Mazzone….no one is like you.  You teach, and you are good at it.”

Wow.  That kind of thing can keep me going for a while.  In the midst of my annoyance with all things key club and with not being pregnant…God gives me those moments.  Moments of purity, moments of peace.  And I am thankful for that.

So, I wrote my own version of Britt’s blog today.

Waking up this morning, I smiled.  My friend Britt reminded me to smile and count my blessings.  

Twenty four brand new hours are before me    

The beauty of the trees, the softness of the air and the trail of the sun, speaks to me.  The beauty of the morning, the smell of coffee, the traffic report…speaks to me.  

And the life that never goes away, they speak to me…and my heart soars.  God speaks to me through people, through things, through my students….and my heart soars.  

Food is not matter but the heart of matter, the flesh and blood of rock and water, earth and sun.  Education is not the matter but the heart of the matter.  It will influence them all in one way shape or another.  I will influence them for the better.  

I am a gardener…..I dig ditches, toil the sweat, and turn the earth upside down.  I seek the deepness.  I am a teacher….a daughter, a sister, a wife.  I teach children, toil in the labor, and turn their minds upside down.  I seek the deepness.  

and water the plants in time……I continue this labor.  And water the plants in time….I continue this labor.   

~Britt and Harmony

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More thoughts on a random summer night

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Watching a teenage comedy…makes me sad for my students. High school is such a weird time.  Where people are trying to figure their lives and futures out.  Where you constantly worry about what boys are thinking and if they like you.  Then, its wondering if you can balance school and a relationship.  All I can do is be there as the teacher who continues to make things interesting on a day to day basis.

But watching all these dramas also makes me want a child!  Babies make me want a kid….kids make me want a kid…and teenagers make me want a kid!  What they hell is going on with my uterus!  Someone calm it down.

Lord, I have been trying to figure things out with me…being content in my situation….being happy with me and Mike.  I am.  I think it will be a struggle if I have to do it forever….but possible.  Is this the lesson you are trying to teach me?  To be ok with me and him forever?  I love Mike.  He is my best friend.  I don’t even have a problem cutting Walsh out of my life because I have a better option…MIKE!  But why do I have to be content with just me and him?  Why cant we be content as a family?  I believe that you can hear my prayer.  I believe that you can hear the cry of my heart.  But sometimes my plans and cries go unanswered.  I cried out for my Dad to live.  I cried out with everything I had and you didn’t answer my prayer.  You took him from me, my mom, and my brother.  I don’t understand that, Lord.  And unfortunately, it makes me doubt!  I don’t want to doubt.  But I also know that you answer prayers in a way that I don’t expect. So I will lift up my prayer Lord, and wait to see what you can do.  I pray for my husband and I to become closer.  I pray that Mike learns how to manage money better…I pray his sexual issues go away.  With no help from medicine.  Just go away naturally.  I pray for the health of my body…my soul.  I pray that you bless our family with a baby.  We are ready…we can do this together…please, God.

Mom

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Last night I sat up for hours talking to my mom.  I was so tired!  But when she came and laid down in my room, I woke up and we talked or a long long time.  About a lot of things.  Wow, she is great.  Thank you, Lord for such an amazing mother.

I am sitting at the farm now listening to her and her wagon train friend Nancy talk on the front porch.  She needs this quiet time with a kind friend like Nancy.  I am thankful for that.  And she seems to be doing better as time passes slowly since my father died.  She doesn’t need a boyfriend….she retired and is making adventurous plans.  She got her hair done and gained a ton of confidence (thank you Gela).  She made it through NYC with a positive outlook.

She still has her moments.  And it scares me that her mind isn’t where it should be…or maybe it is and she just likes the attention.  How “Shenk” of her.

Here are the prayers for my mother:  I pray she continues to grow in strength, in love, in happiness, in laughter, in grace.  I pray she continues to gain confidence and understanding about her situation and what she is more than capable of.  I pray that our relationship continues to be strong and she is there when I deliver my babies.  I pray for babies once again, because my mom will be the most wonderful Grandma.  And she deserves to have that happiness in her life.  These kids will not only be a blessing for the Mazzones, Mike, and especially myself….but for my mom.  I pray she stays healthy.  Keep her mind strong, Lord. Help her find a friend to travel with.  As my brother finds his way, please help his relationship with my mom to grow strong once again.  They are buddies and need to continue to be.

Thank you for my mom, Lord.  She is awesome….I could not have asked for a better one.  Bless her and keep her.  IMG_3305