Another loophole

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Well, your parents missed 3 visits in a row.  They called the first 2 times (I think your Grandma Moses did) and the third time no call, no show.  But Zarko said that your Grandma was there.  I don’t know where your parents are, little man, but I am tired of disrupting your Saturdays for a “maybe” visit.  I am not sure what your dad and I are going to do- or if we can do anything, but I am super frustrated.

So, we called down to visitation to cancel the visits, and they said because your parents called twice, the get more chances.  It’s another loophole.  This system has so many loopholes!

You don’t know who they are.  Everytime they come around, you scream and cry like someone is trying to kidnap you.  Its terrible for me and your dad to go through!  But we will continue to play this game- praying and hoping for the best outcome for you.

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Are you???

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Why are you being so rude lately?  Are you doing steroids again?  Are you cheating on me?  Are you just being an asshole?  Why can’t you ever admit when you are wrong??  Why do you always want to fight with me?  WHY!?!

Why are you acting like I am the enemy?  I can’t joke…I definitely can’t talk to you about our sex life.  I can’t talk to you about your drinking/ hepatitis C issues.

So, let me talk to you here.  I want a baby.  I can get pregnant.  Now that I know I can get pregnant, I want a little one even more.  yes, I love Kai more than anything else.  But I think he needs a sibling.  And I think we need a bigger family.  I thought we were on the same page regarding that.  What changed??  You got older?  You already have a son? (Don’t you dare).   Well, hear this.  If you don’t want a baby and I do, then I will have one with or without you.  I will go to the sperm bank and get it going without you.  I am not going to sit around and wait for you to get your mind wrapped around it.  When I saw that negative sign today, I was devastated.  I thought for sure this was going to be a great day.  I thought for sure.  It’s just another FUCKING reminder that we only have sex once a month and that’s how I’m supposed to get pregnant??  What the fuck ever.

We have our moments.  Moments where I am so happy to have you in my life.  But there are other moments as well.  Moments where I feel like you don’t care at all.

Lord, help me to get over this.  Help me to understand your plan and what it happening in my head/heart.  It’s crazy that I have to go through this.

 

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No one said it would be easy

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When I agreed to be a foster parent, so many people made it seem easy.  Or at least they didn’t tell me it would be this hard.  Not knowing what’s happening in the definite is the worst part.  We don’t know if we get to keep Kai or not.  We don’t know if these parents are going to get their shit together or not.  And Grandma is a piece of work.  She won’t listen- she is racist.  How can people be like this?

The not knowing is the worst.  and yes, you can guess…and yes, we can gamble….which we are, but geez.  The emotion tied up in this is crazy.  I feel like I am going to explode with crazy.

One way to get me up!

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Well, it was sweet of Mike to offer to get up and feed the dogs this morning.  However, he came upstairs at 5:20 to tell me that Vito didn’t eat!!  That’s definitely one way to get me up.  Tell me Vito is sick or the Tuukka is sick….or the baby is sick.

Oh yeah, BTW: We have a baby.  His name is Kai and he will be 1 this week.  We got him when he was 11 months old- he had all kinds of things wrong with him- and now he is doing really well.  I mean, except for when he cries for no reason!!  Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown because he would not stop crying!!  He didn’t have a dirty diaper.  He wasn’t hungry- he wasn’t hurt- he just cried for no reason.  And it was a real cry- very teary and fussy.  It’s the kind of cry that really pulls on your heart strings.  So, Mike came home from the bar (surprise) and I said “I am leaving and you are dealing with this.”  So, I left. I went and got a new chain for my necklace that Kai broke.  Then, I bought him an outfit, because when you are mad at the baby, you should buy him something??!  Nighttime was better, and I am back to loving him.

I go back and forth about this issue.  I love this kid- I feel protective of this kid.  But the love part is really hard.  He isn’t mine, and I find it difficult.  I grow to love him- and I think he really loves me.  But some days, it’s hard to love him.  I don’t know if that’s normal.  I scour the internet looking for articles on justifications on what I am feeling.  I don’t even feel like I can tell Mike.  Yesterday he told me that I wasn’t allowed to lose it.  I don’t think men understand.  All they have to do is bond with the baby- mothers usually get 9 months of bonding.  I’ve only had Kai for a month.  Oh Lord, help me with these feelings.  Help me sort them out and find my bonding with Kai.

Luck of the Irish….or the faithful

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I want to say that I trusted.  I want to say that I believed.  But did I?  I do know that I had a peace about my adoption.  Or a sort-of peace.  I wish I could be one of those Godly women who say “as soon as I gave it to God, it happened.”  But that’s not how it went.

God has been ever present in my life since I asked him to be a part of it.  I’m sure he was there before, but when I was 13, I became aware of his presence.

For 6 years, I have tried to get pregnant.  And today, I am pregnant.  I am paranoid about losing the baby because of my weight or my health in general.  But I have moments of peace and strength where God reminds me to calm down.  It’s hard for me to trust because I have a control issue.  I am still so hurt by my dad’s passing.  I feel like I cried out from the bottom of my soul and God told me no.  So, it’s hard for me to believe that I’ve cried out from the bottom of my soul for a child- and now God is saying yes.  I don’t understand it.  I guess I don’t have to.  I am thankful.  I am beyond thankful- beyond happy and excited.  I am thrilled.  I am glowing from the inside.  Lord God, thank you.  Please protect this child inside me.  Help him/her to grow healthy and strong.  I will do my best to raise him to know you.  I will continue my adoption process- and be a mom to a child who needs a mom.

My story is unconventional.  I didn’t “give it to God- and then I got pregnant.”  God and I struggled daily with this.  We talked, we fought, I tried to ice him out a number of times- and through the daily trauma of infertility or adoption or jealousy or bitterness- God and I worked it out.  I don’t know the secret to faith or infertility.  I do know that I have a God who is daily present in my life.  Thank you, Jesus.  For always being there.