You don’t know…

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You don’t know what’s it’s like…cause you have a kid.  You had a chance to hold a baby in your arms and know that it was half you.  You HAVE a kid!!  And Lori has this part of you that I don’t.  A part of you that makes sure you send her flowers on her birthday.  Not me….I didn’t get anything for my birthday.  No flowers….no card….no present.  I planned my own trip- saved the money from our fund….and made all the arrangements.

“Cause she is the mother of MY child.”  That’s what you fucking said!!  TO me!!  Even though you know I have insecurities about our infertility issues.  I mean, do we have infertility issues?  Or is this something you can’t admit is YOUR ISSUE!!! Something that you don’t want to deal with!!!!

I don’t what the hell is wrong with me today.  I am sensitive.  I have emotions and I’m allowed to have emotions.  I am anxious about everything today…my work, my home…it feels like I am not good enough right now and what you said hit home to that fact.

I feel like I am going to lose it…on someone.  And I don’t know how to stop this.

God, please…please calm my soul.  Please, give me peace about it all….”for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord… plans to prosper you and not to harm you….plans to give you hope and a future.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11

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