I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I got really depressed after the holidays and haven’t been able to break myself out of the funk. My dog, Roo, died right after the New Year. She had cancer, like everything else in my life, and it was aggressive. She was in pain, and Mike and I made the difficult decision to put her down. It was tough. I miss her everyday. I was in the room with her when they gave her the shot. I didn’t want her to be alone. But it was really hard on me.
Since then, I have been on emotional roller coaster of feelings. I am depressed about not getting pregnant. I am angry with my husband for not having a sex drive and not going to the doctor to fix it. I am annoyed that my brother doesn’t have his life together. I am worried about Marc who has disappeared from the face of the earth. I am jealous that Jeneve was on American Idol and embarrassed that she sucked so bad. I am really angry at some of the students in my classes. They are so annoying!! They don’t care about life and some of them are so ghetto.
We have been getting an influx of kids that were expelled from Shadow Ridge, went to behavior school, and are now enrolled at Arbor. I realize that most of them will self-destruct, but at what cost? Some of these kids brought weapons to school….some threatened teachers. What the hell? Where the hell did these kids come from??
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was really hot and it was noisy cause the windows were open to get some air circulation. And then Mike came upstairs and turned on the television. Finally I got so frustrated that I went and fell asleep in the other room. It was actually really nice. I might do that more.
I was all in my head. Blaming Mike for everything. Blaming my not having a baby on him. Blaming my not living in Seattle on him. Blame, blame, blame. Then…I would make plans in my head….for my new life. A life without Mike where I have a baby through a sperm bank and become this awesome single mother. I don’t know what’s going on in my head lately but I am losing it. I think I might go talk to someone. Maybe it’s time.
I am proctoring the ACT right now in school. One kid is done (he just bubbled in answers) and is asleep….the others are trying their best to power through. The same kid who rushed through has 2 cell phones. What do you need 2 cell phones for?? Drug dealer? Arms dealer? What is the matter with people today?
I miss my Dad. I miss Roo. I know I have a good life, Lord. But it is so easy to get discouraged and let my emotional brain take over. I am thankful. I am trying to stay positive and happy. My angst is taking over.