More thoughts on a random summer night

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Watching a teenage comedy…makes me sad for my students. High school is such a weird time.  Where people are trying to figure their lives and futures out.  Where you constantly worry about what boys are thinking and if they like you.  Then, its wondering if you can balance school and a relationship.  All I can do is be there as the teacher who continues to make things interesting on a day to day basis.

But watching all these dramas also makes me want a child!  Babies make me want a kid….kids make me want a kid…and teenagers make me want a kid!  What they hell is going on with my uterus!  Someone calm it down.

Lord, I have been trying to figure things out with me…being content in my situation….being happy with me and Mike.  I am.  I think it will be a struggle if I have to do it forever….but possible.  Is this the lesson you are trying to teach me?  To be ok with me and him forever?  I love Mike.  He is my best friend.  I don’t even have a problem cutting Walsh out of my life because I have a better option…MIKE!  But why do I have to be content with just me and him?  Why cant we be content as a family?  I believe that you can hear my prayer.  I believe that you can hear the cry of my heart.  But sometimes my plans and cries go unanswered.  I cried out for my Dad to live.  I cried out with everything I had and you didn’t answer my prayer.  You took him from me, my mom, and my brother.  I don’t understand that, Lord.  And unfortunately, it makes me doubt!  I don’t want to doubt.  But I also know that you answer prayers in a way that I don’t expect. So I will lift up my prayer Lord, and wait to see what you can do.  I pray for my husband and I to become closer.  I pray that Mike learns how to manage money better…I pray his sexual issues go away.  With no help from medicine.  Just go away naturally.  I pray for the health of my body…my soul.  I pray that you bless our family with a baby.  We are ready…we can do this together…please, God.

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Mom

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Last night I sat up for hours talking to my mom.  I was so tired!  But when she came and laid down in my room, I woke up and we talked or a long long time.  About a lot of things.  Wow, she is great.  Thank you, Lord for such an amazing mother.

I am sitting at the farm now listening to her and her wagon train friend Nancy talk on the front porch.  She needs this quiet time with a kind friend like Nancy.  I am thankful for that.  And she seems to be doing better as time passes slowly since my father died.  She doesn’t need a boyfriend….she retired and is making adventurous plans.  She got her hair done and gained a ton of confidence (thank you Gela).  She made it through NYC with a positive outlook.

She still has her moments.  And it scares me that her mind isn’t where it should be…or maybe it is and she just likes the attention.  How “Shenk” of her.

Here are the prayers for my mother:  I pray she continues to grow in strength, in love, in happiness, in laughter, in grace.  I pray she continues to gain confidence and understanding about her situation and what she is more than capable of.  I pray that our relationship continues to be strong and she is there when I deliver my babies.  I pray for babies once again, because my mom will be the most wonderful Grandma.  And she deserves to have that happiness in her life.  These kids will not only be a blessing for the Mazzones, Mike, and especially myself….but for my mom.  I pray she stays healthy.  Keep her mind strong, Lord. Help her find a friend to travel with.  As my brother finds his way, please help his relationship with my mom to grow strong once again.  They are buddies and need to continue to be.

Thank you for my mom, Lord.  She is awesome….I could not have asked for a better one.  Bless her and keep her.  IMG_3305

Babe

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I am praying a lot this week.  It happens when I come to camp.  It’s a weird place this campmeeting.  I was saved here.  I loved it here….I was born again here.  It has taken on new things for me over the course of my life.  When I was a child, it was a place to run and play with my cousins.  We got dirty in the playground, saw snakes in the creek (gross!), and made crafts in Sunday school.

When I was a teenager, I asked the hard questions like “do animals go to heaven when they die?”  The answer was no because they don’t have a soul.  What kind of crap is that?  My Roo and Vito both have souls.  I know God will have them in heaven to greet me when I get there.  I broke my cd’s that were not “godly” and had mentors named Jeremy and Jennifer Deibler.  We played pranks and made friends.  We made the lemon rice video that still stands up in history as the best video ever made 🙂

When I was an adult, I brought my husband here.  He sat on the porch, made model airplanes, read the paper and slept in a bunk bed.  He sat and talked to my numerous family members and hopefully got a feeling that God was something different than what he learned about in Catholic school.  I hope he realized that God is a relationship that is different for everyone.  That you can’t judge God by men…by humans…by the Catholic church that hurt you.  I wanted that message to come through.  I wanted him to feel that undeniable spirit that moves through the back woods.  He ate in the boarding house and tried to be ok with what he affectionately called “cult camp” (thank you Stephen Thorwart for putting that in his head).

I pray for Mike.  I pray that he continues to be happy in his job and his education.  I pray he starts to make more money and becomes more money conscience. i pray for his health…that he learns how to manage his back with more than methadone.  I pray that he gets the medicine for his Hep C and gets it taken care of.  I pray that he stops drinking so much beer.  I pray for our children.  That we grow in love as a family….help us to start that family soon, Lord.  Bless us with a baby.  Please.  Help Mike’s soul to heal as he sees his children grow.  I pray that he continues to build a strong relationship with Ian.  I pray that his blood pressure stays low and that his health is good for many years to come.  I pray that he and I move to Washington and start a new adventure together.  I pray for no more big fights where I lay awake at night trying to imagine my life without him.  Thank you for Mike.  He is my babe and I love him so much.  Bless him, God.  Draw him to you…use me…use our kids…use campmeeting…use our family….use us to show you.  IMG_2741IMG_2752 IMG_0161 IMG_1251 IMG_2006 IMG_2237 IMG_2382

Peace

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A peace that passes all understanding.

That’s what I find in Lancaster, PA.  More specifically Rawlinsville Campmeeting and the Holzhauer farm.  I came back to the farm tonight instead of going down to camp because I needed some alone time.  Time to pray, to think, to just be with me and God.  My Dad’s spirit is here…so is my Uncle Bob’s and my grandfather’s.  These 3 men have meant so much to me in my life in so many different ways.  I miss them terribly.  I know they are all together, though.  Traveling through time and space.

I sat in my Uncle Bob’s chair in his room that looks out over the farm and prayed for my family.  My wonderful amazing family that I have been more than blessed with.  The roots that are deep with our family are amazing.  We have a legacy.  A legacy in this town and state.  I am proud to be a Holzhauer, Shenk, Neal, Hammel, Brophy, and Mazzone.  Wow…Amazing.

I know this is God working in my life.  The peace that I feel…the spirit moving all around me.  How can anyone deny this God who loves us so much?  Who created all this!  Who designed this family so perfectly…with all our flaws and uniqueness.  I can’t say thank you enough.  I am humbled by your grace.

I prayed for my brother last night.  I am getting ready to pray for my mom and husband.  That just leaves me.  Maybe I am afraid to ask God for a baby….maybe I am so blessed and floored by all that I have that I feel unworthy to ask for more.  I know God knows my heart…knows what I long for…knows what I need.  Lord, hear the cry of my heart.  And I will say it out loud.  IMG_3304

This was the most beautiful site this summer.  To see replicas…or pictures….doesn’t do it justice.  I got to see it up close and personal.  From a boat…just like my ancestors.  It was majestic and personal.  Not only am I alive, surrounded by an amazing family, I live in a country where we can be safe and happy together.  Thank you, Lord!

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The corn is as high as an elephants eye…..and it looks like it’s climbing clear up to the sky.