Protected: I can’t help it…or can I?

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No one said it would be easy

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When I agreed to be a foster parent, so many people made it seem easy.  Or at least they didn’t tell me it would be this hard.  Not knowing what’s happening in the definite is the worst part.  We don’t know if we get to keep Kai or not.  We don’t know if these parents are going to get their shit together or not.  And Grandma is a piece of work.  She won’t listen- she is racist.  How can people be like this?

The not knowing is the worst.  and yes, you can guess…and yes, we can gamble….which we are, but geez.  The emotion tied up in this is crazy.  I feel like I am going to explode with crazy.

One way to get me up!

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Well, it was sweet of Mike to offer to get up and feed the dogs this morning.  However, he came upstairs at 5:20 to tell me that Vito didn’t eat!!  That’s definitely one way to get me up.  Tell me Vito is sick or the Tuukka is sick….or the baby is sick.

Oh yeah, BTW: We have a baby.  His name is Kai and he will be 1 this week.  We got him when he was 11 months old- he had all kinds of things wrong with him- and now he is doing really well.  I mean, except for when he cries for no reason!!  Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown because he would not stop crying!!  He didn’t have a dirty diaper.  He wasn’t hungry- he wasn’t hurt- he just cried for no reason.  And it was a real cry- very teary and fussy.  It’s the kind of cry that really pulls on your heart strings.  So, Mike came home from the bar (surprise) and I said “I am leaving and you are dealing with this.”  So, I left. I went and got a new chain for my necklace that Kai broke.  Then, I bought him an outfit, because when you are mad at the baby, you should buy him something??!  Nighttime was better, and I am back to loving him.

I go back and forth about this issue.  I love this kid- I feel protective of this kid.  But the love part is really hard.  He isn’t mine, and I find it difficult.  I grow to love him- and I think he really loves me.  But some days, it’s hard to love him.  I don’t know if that’s normal.  I scour the internet looking for articles on justifications on what I am feeling.  I don’t even feel like I can tell Mike.  Yesterday he told me that I wasn’t allowed to lose it.  I don’t think men understand.  All they have to do is bond with the baby- mothers usually get 9 months of bonding.  I’ve only had Kai for a month.  Oh Lord, help me with these feelings.  Help me sort them out and find my bonding with Kai.

Luck of the Irish….or the faithful

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I want to say that I trusted.  I want to say that I believed.  But did I?  I do know that I had a peace about my adoption.  Or a sort-of peace.  I wish I could be one of those Godly women who say “as soon as I gave it to God, it happened.”  But that’s not how it went.

God has been ever present in my life since I asked him to be a part of it.  I’m sure he was there before, but when I was 13, I became aware of his presence.

For 6 years, I have tried to get pregnant.  And today, I am pregnant.  I am paranoid about losing the baby because of my weight or my health in general.  But I have moments of peace and strength where God reminds me to calm down.  It’s hard for me to trust because I have a control issue.  I am still so hurt by my dad’s passing.  I feel like I cried out from the bottom of my soul and God told me no.  So, it’s hard for me to believe that I’ve cried out from the bottom of my soul for a child- and now God is saying yes.  I don’t understand it.  I guess I don’t have to.  I am thankful.  I am beyond thankful- beyond happy and excited.  I am thrilled.  I am glowing from the inside.  Lord God, thank you.  Please protect this child inside me.  Help him/her to grow healthy and strong.  I will do my best to raise him to know you.  I will continue my adoption process- and be a mom to a child who needs a mom.

My story is unconventional.  I didn’t “give it to God- and then I got pregnant.”  God and I struggled daily with this.  We talked, we fought, I tried to ice him out a number of times- and through the daily trauma of infertility or adoption or jealousy or bitterness- God and I worked it out.  I don’t know the secret to faith or infertility.  I do know that I have a God who is daily present in my life.  Thank you, Jesus.  For always being there.

You don’t know…

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You don’t know what’s it’s like…cause you have a kid.  You had a chance to hold a baby in your arms and know that it was half you.  You HAVE a kid!!  And Lori has this part of you that I don’t.  A part of you that makes sure you send her flowers on her birthday.  Not me….I didn’t get anything for my birthday.  No flowers….no card….no present.  I planned my own trip- saved the money from our fund….and made all the arrangements.

“Cause she is the mother of MY child.”  That’s what you fucking said!!  TO me!!  Even though you know I have insecurities about our infertility issues.  I mean, do we have infertility issues?  Or is this something you can’t admit is YOUR ISSUE!!! Something that you don’t want to deal with!!!!

I don’t what the hell is wrong with me today.  I am sensitive.  I have emotions and I’m allowed to have emotions.  I am anxious about everything today…my work, my home…it feels like I am not good enough right now and what you said hit home to that fact.

I feel like I am going to lose it…on someone.  And I don’t know how to stop this.

God, please…please calm my soul.  Please, give me peace about it all….”for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord… plans to prosper you and not to harm you….plans to give you hope and a future.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11

DeMarsh

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First let me say that I am writing this email for my benefit.  The “DeMarsh” situation has been keeping me up at night, and I simply need you to hear me out.  I am not looking for this to go anywhere, I just want to communicate to you, my feelings.  I’m sure you already know this stuff…but again, it is for my benefit and the purging of my soul with this family.  You don’t even have to read this- I just feel better sending it.

I have had Richard for 2 years now.  Despite the fact that he failed my class last year, Donnelly and I put him in American Studies because he had the potential to rise above his own personal drama and be a good student.  Last year he struggled with substance abuse.  I spent numerous hours talking to him and helping him work through the speed bump he had hit.  We ended the year positively and I was hoping for good things this year.  Richard thinks he is above discipline.  He believes he is an adult and should be able to do what he wants.  He thinks high school is a waste of time and any push back from teachers makes him an instant “victim.”  On several occasions I have asked him what he would have done if he was the teacher and had a student like him who constantly disrupted class, slept, did little to no work, and talked back.  His has no reply and at such a young age, I can only come to the conclusion that he needs to learn empathy and it was an unfair question for me to ask.

Eddie, I have only met this year.  As you know, we have had our challenges.  Eddie has a short temper and goes from calm and great one minute to anger and out of control the next minute.  He thinks it’s ok to yell at teachers one day and then acts like everything is ok the next moment and accuses me of over-reacting.  We squashed our issues in December and since then have been getting along great.  He was a new person.  He still had his mood swings, but was getting his work done and was respectful.  He came to me with problems, and talked about life with me.  He knew he was on his last leg with the dean’s office, and he kept himself under control.  When he blew up at me the other day, it was out of nowhere.  I told him to leave the classroom and calm down and he kept yelling.  I feel like this whole situation is exacerbated because I happened to have an issue with the 2 of them in the same week.  It’s unfortunate because I was enjoying Eddie- I invested in him and then he was taken out of my class.

As I have grown as a teacher, I have learned that there are certain things I cannot tolerate.  Yelling at a teacher and disrupting class in a huge scene is one of them.  Sleeping in class, after I have told him several times to wake up and do something is another one.  I have ignored so many things from these brothers.  I constantly let the little things slide….  I feel like I have done so much and have made so much progress only for it to be smashed in my face at the end of the school year.  You expressed that the father is upset with me.  But he hasn’t been around for the past 2 years while I have helped his kids in whatever they needed.  He wasn’t here when Richard was sleeping on the streets last year because his grandparents kicked him out.

After talking it over with Donnelly she told me “you will learn…you can’t invest in these kids…it always comes back to bite you.”  Wow.  I don’t want to become like that.  I am trying to grow thick skin so that I can invest in them and then not be so hurt when I get it thrown back at me.  I understand that it is a fine line to walk and that it will eventually pay off with certain kids.  I understand that life will catch up with these kids eventually and they will learn their lesson or not.  But I want you to understand that I have tried so hard with these brothers.  I have given everything to them and have become jaded by the situation.

I hate sending kids to the dean’s office because I feel like I could have done more.  When I do, it is for something that I can’t tolerate and it is after having given them chance after chance after chance after chance.  I am sorry that this situation has become a burden.  I have only tried to be there for Richard and Eddie.  I feel bad about the way things ended but would not have done anything different.  Thanks for letting me vent, letting me purge, letting me move on.

ACT’s

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I haven’t written in a while.  Mostly because I got really depressed after the holidays and haven’t been able to break myself out of the funk.  My dog, Roo, died right after the New Year.  She had cancer, like everything else in my life, and it was aggressive.  She was in pain, and Mike and I made the difficult decision to put her down.  It was tough.  I miss her everyday.  I was in the room with her when they gave her the shot.  I didn’t want her to be alone.  But it was really hard on me.

Since then, I have been on emotional roller coaster of feelings.  I am depressed about not getting pregnant.  I am angry with my husband for not having a sex drive and not going to the doctor to fix it.  I am annoyed that my brother doesn’t have his life together.  I am worried about Marc who has disappeared from the face of the earth.  I am jealous that Jeneve was on American Idol and embarrassed that she sucked so bad.  I am really angry at some of the students in my classes.  They are so annoying!!  They don’t care about life and some of them are so ghetto.

We have been getting an influx of kids that were expelled from Shadow Ridge, went to behavior school, and are now enrolled at Arbor.  I realize that most of them will self-destruct, but at what cost?  Some of these kids brought weapons to school….some threatened teachers.  What the hell?  Where the hell did these kids come from??

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  I was really hot and it was noisy cause the windows were open to get some air circulation.  And then Mike came upstairs and turned on the television.  Finally I got so frustrated that I went and fell asleep in the other room.  It was actually really nice.  I might do that more.

I was all in my head.  Blaming Mike for everything.  Blaming my not having a baby on him.  Blaming my not living in Seattle on him.  Blame, blame, blame.  Then…I would make plans in my head….for my new life.  A life without Mike where I have a baby through a sperm bank and become this awesome single mother.  I don’t know what’s going on in my head lately but I am losing it.  I think I might go talk to someone.  Maybe it’s time.

I am proctoring the ACT right now in school.  One kid is done (he just bubbled in answers) and is asleep….the others are trying their best to power through.  The same kid who rushed through has 2 cell phones.  What do you need 2 cell phones for??  Drug dealer?  Arms dealer?  What is the matter with people today?

I miss my Dad.  I miss Roo.  I know I have a good life, Lord.  But it is so easy to get discouraged and let my emotional brain take over.  I am thankful.  I am trying to stay positive and happy.  My angst is taking over.